Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
