i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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