my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
