Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?