my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.