don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Apple has a Lot to Explain to iPhone X Customers
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
People Asked The Internet Questions About their Private Parts And The Results Are Hilarious
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle