turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
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