Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Randomize
