So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Randomize
