So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
All the doctor said was why
Randomize
