I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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