so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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