I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
