this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
