I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
