I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
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how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
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