i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
