If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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