Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
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