Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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