btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Randomize
