Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
