Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
