i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
