I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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