I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
