Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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