shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I need a beard to bite.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
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