I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
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I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
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