You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Randomize
