At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
