R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
