I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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