Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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