we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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