everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
