All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
