The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Randomize
