I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
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I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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