K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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