Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
