I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
