The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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