He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
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Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
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I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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