he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
