I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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