theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
