and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
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