frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
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I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
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anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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