alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
