i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
