and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize
