i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
