I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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