My friends, they love my intelligence
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Randomize
