I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
