I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
