i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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