gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
