put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
